Sometimes I talk to my wife, and I see her actually get upset that I am hard on myself. She literally will say something and I will just shut down in an apologetic meltdown. I want to just scream that I am trying, even though I know she isn’t mad. I want to cry and break down. My heart hurts. However, I have to just say I will keep trying and apologize for shutting down.

To see the issue and not be able to fix it is like a punishment in a prison. I feel like I am messing the world up, but know I am not. I hate who I am, but know I am not bad. I feel broken but don’t know what needs to be fixed. The knowledge and the feelings don’t match up. I know who I am and how others see me, but no matter what I do I can’t make it line up with how I see myself.

“I know you think I got it all figured out
‘Cause I walk around like my head’s in the clouds
But I’m just a boy with his heart pourin’ out of his head

I can say it now….. I can say it when someone points it out….. but I can’t fix it when I feel it.

I am trying my best, even if it’s not good enough.