Hate Myself
I am not even sure what to say about this. Lately, these few words have become my mantra. I am finding that I am not talking to people, or acting like myself. When I try to just act normal, all I can think is how much I hate me, and how much I hate me being happy as I don’t deserve it.
I walk through the ashes of my passionsReminiscin’ with the baggage in my casketGet lost in the questions I can’t answerCan’t stand who I am, but it don’t matterWe scream to be free, but I stay capturedKnee-deep in defeat of my own actionsFeel weak, but the peace that I keep lackin’Keeps speakin’ to me, but I can’t have it
This is the truth of my life. I understand how I should feel, and how I am told things are ok. I see the truth and don’t believe it. I see my friends and family and right when they start to care, I can only shut down.
The cherry on the cake of this life is that when someone genuinely cares and tries to help, I can put on the best act of my life showing my “happiness”. I have become an expert and hiding the hate and acting what I see as normal.
I can only imagine this is semi normal. Maybe a bit more extreme, but I am always hearing how people “hate themselves” and just want someone to love them. So how are my feelings any different. Maybe I am just the only one to see them.
And every mornin’ I wake up and feel like I ain’t my worth ’cause I’m at war with peaceOr go to Hell, welcome to the corpse of meLook at the body like you ain’t nothin’ but poor and weakIt’s kinda weirdLately I been feelin’ like the only way for me to get away is if I pour the drinkThat’s more deceit, more defeatIs this really what I’m born to be?That’s what you get for thinkin’ you’re unique