Sometimes, looking back and seeing the changes I’ve made can bring a sense of relief and liberation. The paths I’ve traveled in my time of healing, self-discovery, and pursuit of happiness are still tinged with the old scars and lingering pain that I continue to work through.

Used to hide in in the deep blue of deprеcation I romanticized
Used to swim from, from the shorеline
Of the good things I would minimize

I remember in the past, I romanticized the struggles and drama of heartbreak, loneliness, and the fleeting idea of sympathy for how I was feeling. But as time went on and those emotions took on a real, raw intensity, depression and hopelessness became my reality; no longer just a scene in a movie. That longing for sympathy and the superficial drama faded away, replaced by the deep, painful weight of self-deprecation and self-loathing that haunted my mind every single day.

I still got demons that drag me down and want me dead
A million reasons to fall apart, but I ain’t stressed
Yeah, I’ve bought room to breathe
‘Cause I’m a little bit better than I used to be

To this day, I struggle fiercely with my sense of self-worth. All I can see are the faces of those I have let down and the failures that seem to shadow my life. Yet, despite everything, I am slowly moving past them. I can look back and truly see the progress I’ve made, and I can feel hope blossoming in my days. It takes relentless effort to focus on the positive and to push away the demons that cloud my mind. The second voice in my head still cries out with all the raw emotions I’ve fought so hard to conquer.

‘Cause nothing hurts if you believe you’re too far gone for help
But if I’m growing, that’s enough, I wish the old me well
‘Cause when I wanna be the martyr, I’m gonna try a little harder

The brutal honesty hit me at my lowest, that it wasn’t that I felt bad, I felt nothing. The depression and pain far overshadowed any happiness I’d ever known, and I made a conscious choice: feeling nothing was easier than feeling hurt. As I finally broke free from that darkness and rediscovered myself, I realized it took real effort to make the pain subside. It would never completely disappear, but I understood it wasn’t worth losing the good just because of the bad.

I will keep growing, no matter what. The days are long and tough, and the darkness lingers in my heart and mind, constantly whispering that I should give up. But there are too many people in my life who love me and stand by my side. They remind me to drown out those negative voices and demons, to hold on and fight through the pain. They remind me that I need to do this; for myself, for my happiness, and for everyone who matters to me. I can’t promise that I’ll never stumble or want to quit, but I can say with certainty… I never want to.