I’m honestly at a loss for words about this. Lately, these few phrases have transformed into my mantra. I’m realizing that I’m withdrawing from others and not truly expressing who I am. Every time I attempt to just be normal, all that floods my mind is how deeply I dislike myself, and how I can’t stand the thought of being happy, as if I don’t deserve that joy.
I walk through the ashes of my passionsReminiscin’ with the baggage in my casketGet lost in the questions I can’t answerCan’t stand who I am, but it don’t matterWe scream to be free, but I stay capturedKnee-deep in defeat of my own actionsFeel weak, but the peace that I keep lackin’Keeps speakin’ to me, but I can’t have it
This is the raw truth of my life. I grasp how I’m meant to feel, and I’m constantly told that everything is okay. Yet, deep down, I see the reality and struggle to accept it. I watch my friends and family, and just when their concern begins to shine through, I find myself shutting down.
The cherry on the cake of this life is that when someone truly cares and makes an effort to help, I can put on the most convincing act of my life, evoking a fake “happiness.” I’ve grown into an expert at concealing the bitterness within while portraying what I’ve come to accept as normal.
I can only imagine this is somewhat normal. Perhaps my experience is a little more intense, but I constantly hear people express how they “hate themselves” and long for someone to love them. So how are my feelings truly any different? Maybe I am just the only one to see them.
And every mornin’ I wake up and feel like I ain’t my worth ’cause I’m at war with peaceOr go to Hell, welcome to the corpse of meLook at the body like you ain’t nothin’ but poor and weakIt’s kinda weirdLately I been feelin’ like the only way for me to get away is if I pour the drinkThat’s more deceit, more defeatIs this really what I’m born to be?That’s what you get for thinkin’ you’re unique